have been feeling rather low these few days. it's sort of a mix between angry-sad-disappointed-tiredness-helplessness-fear. i think the only time this week that i managed to just sit back and laugh till i go crazy was during thurs, when we had civics. perhaps that's the only fun time i had with 0811A and ms wong, although im usually the boring person who can't contribute to anything other than laughing.

i was angry-sad-disappointed with myself, especially on tuesday. we had chemistry formative assessment that day. and i was so angry at myself i would have slapped myself to death if i was my own child. i totally knew how to do all the questions and i did study very hard for it. but you know what? i didn't finish almost half of the paper.

can you imagine how exasperated i was?

if i didn't know how to do a single bit, i wouldn't get so worked up over it. but i freaking studied for it. and i knew exactly how to do everything. but time wasn't in my side at all.. i was damn disappointed in myself and i emo-ed the way home. and you know why? one reason was because i decided to give in all my best, coz i have had enough of failing. and the second reason was that i didn't want to let Ms Goh down. like seriously. i know she probably thinks that i'm pretty loserish, like, unable to focus in class, results so lousy, cannot remember details... so i just wanted to change her impression of me la. but look at now. she's probably gonna have another negative point to add onto me, which is that i freaking can't manage my time. either that or she'll think i didn't study at all, and cannot do the last part, which was why i left it totally blank.

jo: but at least you know your facts and stuff already. now just have to learn how to write faster and manage your time. at least you know that what.
me: i know, but no one else knows. and people will still think i'm not putting in enough effort, when i'm trying hard to.

SIGH!!!!

and i'm sad-helpness-fear because of....

i'll not mention much here. but... maybe my friends will know. probably only my friends will know.

how would you feel if something you really like is about to be pulled away by your very own friend?
or maybe the thought of being forgetten by something you'll never forget.
or losing something that you have gave in your very best.

it's like practising for a competition for years
and giving in your heart and soul
and you're almost confident of winning

but just as you are about to win
your very own friend snatches the winning position away though undesirable means
you can totally feel your heart tear.

so can i.
so i am.