I seriously feel like a blardy loser.

i think i'm a bloody loser. it's like, damn sad. i'm failing in every single sector of life now lah. my studies aren't good. my IQ is super low. my EQ is even lower. my looks suck. omg i really think i should just go to hell. i pms so often and that can be seen directly from my blog, like one minute so happy den the next minute you see emo posts, just like this one.

and i can totally feel myself slowly drifting away from my friends. like, i used to really really like that bunch of 11A friends. really. but now, i can only feel myself wanting to be close to a few of them, and i'm not interested at all to be with others. i'm really sorry to say this, but.. ya.

even for friends whom i've known for nearly 4 years. like junqiang for example, since we were in the same clique since sec 3, which means it's nearly like, 4 years that we're in the same clique amongst different friends. we used to hang out and talk crap together all the time in the past. but i've realised that since a couple of weeks ago, i totally have nothing to talk to him about. not only nothing to talk about, i even felt that his presence was a nuisence. not that i hate him or what. but it's really... you get what i mean. which was why i was showing him attitude whenever he talk to me for the past few days, and he was wondering who offended me.

and it's also almost the same for most of my friends. so if i ignore you or just like, um, dao you or something, sorry..

is this part of the JC life? to lose your friends in the process, and only gain them back after your Alevels? is that too late to get back my friends?

today was the first time ever that i actually wanted to forget about my friends and just mug, although there was, apparently, no tests or homework due. like during the 40mins early dismissal from bio prac, me john and abi went to library to mug, and totally ps-ed the others. and this is highly unlikely of me coz i am relatively friend-orientated. i would have chosen to buzz around with my friends instead of studying. but after failing throughout my JC life, i finally decided that i should do something about it. and i feel damn bad. like, i can totally feel myself drifting away from my friends...

and that includes the likes of jo, rt, lp, aud, john, abi and jq.

in the past, when people tell me how they've enjoyed, and what they did and how they laughed together, i would be super envious. but now when they told me, the only feeling that i had was, ''orh okay''. i wasn't in the least interested or anything.

and guess what my usual schedule of my daily weekday life is now. compare it to the past:

in the past

6.45am: wake up
7.20am: reach school
8.10am to 7pm: in school
7pm: eat dinner with friends and walk walk around cwp for awhile
8.15pm: go home
9pm: watch tv
10pm: slack abit
11pm: watch tv again
12am: SLEEP, and cycle continues

PRESENT
4am: alarm clock rings. snooze, and readjust to 5am.
5am: wake up to mug.
6.45am: wash up and prepare for school.
7.20am: reach school
8.10am to 7pm: in school
7pm: go home, bathe and sleep.
9pm: wake up to watch tv and do tutorials
10pm: be damn tired, but will continue to mug
12 to 1am: stop mugging
1am to 4am: tries to sleep, but will take at least one hour to fall asleep coz study stuff will be etched too deeply in my mind.
*and the cycle repeats*

i know its not too much of a typical mugger's lifestyle, but i'm trying very hard to become some cold heartless freak who doesn't need to sleep for more than 2hrs a day without feeling tired. and someone who doesn't need friends. or will feel lost without friends.

i know i love my friends, and i know i can't do without them. but i think in my case, Alevels will be a tough journey on me physically and mentally. the fatigue, and the slow drift away from my friends. i hope i don't end up losing them.

by them, i mean my 11A close friends. and my sec school close friends too.

alvls = a journey to make you lose everything